I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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