So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
