Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
