Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
