John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
