im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
