Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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