so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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