The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
