Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
