I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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