I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Shame is for Republicans.
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