When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
