I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
