now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
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