So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize