I just pynch a tree in the face
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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