6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
