Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
