I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
