If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
