Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
