my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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