for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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