So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
