Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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