every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i think i just lost a toe
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
