On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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