Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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