Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
