She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
