my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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