why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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