He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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