I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
