All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
