dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
