Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
