You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
