Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
