I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
