Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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