If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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