i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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