For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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