Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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