never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Everyone says I win the strip club
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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