He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
