just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
whose parrot is this?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize