Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize