oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
