just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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