I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
