I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
