I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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