just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
