At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
