I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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