i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Randomize
