my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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