he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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