I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
