I accidentally burped into my bong.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
