I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
