I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
