After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
