I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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