it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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